looking forward..

2008-08-30T19:51:00.002+08:00

I never saw that little doggie again unfortunately, though it doesn't stop me for looking out for him every time I pass that way. A lot of things have happened in between the last post and this one - I found a lovely lovely apartment, I've attended 4 Music Matters, have had my mum and a good friend here, travelled down to Hangzhou, gone for an obscene number of massages, spent way too much money, and survived Summer Course.

Perhaps I should just admit to myself I'm way too lazy to maintain a regular blog. And yet, the fact that I once did post regularly nags at me like an itch that you can't scratch and that'll never go away. I've invested too much time, energy and effort in the past to just throw it all away. Perhaps it's like love - all heady and overflowing with enthusiasm at the beginning but which mellows and gradually simmers down as time flows on, and even after it's gone, still hovers in the air like the memory of summer, like the echo of laughter. Perhaps; probably.

And perhaps, possibly, I'll pick it up again, that the urge to write will seize me once more and whirl me away in a storm of passion. Perhaps, possibly, I'll actually have things worth writing about - not the sometimes-calculated aesthetically pleasing prose I admit I fall prey to, but truth.

I suppose I should say something about teaching, since I did move hundreds of miles north to do just that. But perhaps there's nothing to say because things are good. Because life IS good that there's no need to gloat. Because I'm satisfied and content that I feel no urge to proclaim it to the world. I wouldn't say I've found my calling because I honestly haven't yet, but I can say this - teaching is rewarding and I'm working with children whom I love. Getting into work at 9am on Saturdays and Sundays isn't my ideal situation only because I'm not a morning person, but I've yet to come across a day I really, truly, whole-heartedly dread going in to work.

There have been times during the two month madness that was Summer Course when, mentally and physically exhuasted, I've had to drag myself out of bed, but the fact that I've got wonderful colleagues who genuinely care about each other and kids I look foward to seeing really helps.

So I guess I can genuinely, honestly say: I'm happy :)

2008-04-30T21:19:00.007+08:00

I met this really cute little doggie this morning on the way to the bustop. He was a scruffy little black thing with the softest, most adorable eyes. I crossed the road, bent down to say "hi" and was rewarded by the happiest, most energetic yipping and jumping (slobering included). He followed me all the way to the bustop, jumping and tangling himself up with my legs and just refused to go away!

I tried to shoo him off to catch my bus but alarmingly, he ended up trying to cross the 3-lane road to the concrete divider. WHY?? I couldn't bear seeing him standing in the middle of a busy road, twitching each time a car or bus zoomed by. A little crowd of bystanders soon gathered, all wondering what that silly little thing was doing in the middle of the road.

"Is he your dog?" asked the road sweeper uncle.
"No, he isn't."
"He's taken to you! Bring him home!"

Not that the thought didn't cross my mind.

Too worried to board my bus and go, I slapped my thigh, come here, boy, called him off the road to safety and headed to the cart stall to get him some food. He must have somehow lost me when I was waiting for the crepes to cook because I noticed him darting furiously round, sniffing at every stranger, before darting away again.

Come here, boy, again, and he bounded over with all the enthusiasm and glee he could muster. Leading him away from the road to a safer patch of grass, I gave him half of the warm crepe and reluctantly slunk away while he was busily occupied.

If I had the means, I would have taken him home. Unfortunately I have yet to find a home for myself. On the way home, I realised I still had half the crepe in my bag. Where is he? I thought as I passed the patch of grass I'd left him food that morning. The crepe is gone, but so was he. Disappointment, but perhaps I'll see him again tomorrow.

2008-04-14T23:28:00.002+08:00

"You can spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin
One storm could come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You could chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like i think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This worlds gone crazy
And it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all you heart
For all the right reasons
And in a momemt they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like i think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah sing it anyway

I sing
I dream
I love anyway"

- Martina McBride "Anyway"

2008-02-29T00:52:00.003+08:00

Lovin’ you...
This is the right thing to do
How can I ever change things
That I feel

If I could
Maybe I'd give you my world
How can I
When you won't take it from me

Chorus:
You can go your own way Go your own way
You can call it ... Another lonely day
You can go your own way Go your own way

Tell me why
Everything turned around
Packing up
Shackin’ up’s all you wanna do

If I could
Baby, I'd give you my world
Open up
Everything's waiting for you..

- "Go Your Own Way" Fleetwood Mac

Michael Johns is hothothothothothothawwwt!!!! gah.. why don't we have men like that here...

2008-02-15T14:58:00.002+08:00

We wrote so many letters when we were young.. countless, endless, pages upon pages upon pages. But of course, that was before life got consumed by the internet and e-mail. Am I that old, that I actually lived through a time without the internet? And I wonder whether something human has been lost with the death of letter writing.

I used to write with lyrical ease, pen scrawling across paper, words tumbling out, thoughts flowing. Now, I type and inscribe with digital 1s and 0s, and I think, a little of the magic is lost.

So many letters.. I'd forgotten them all...

2008-02-02T03:02:00.000+08:00

In this world of superficial, appearance-obsessed stars and reality shows, Paul Potts has shown what true talent and humility is. Unremarkable he may be in looks, but when he sings, he sings with raw passion and bared soul that grabs you. And all that you can concentrate on, all that you hear, is simply and only how beautifully he sings. He moved me and made me weep.

Paul Potts's audition on Britain's Got Talent.

2008-01-22T12:34:00.000+08:00

I adore Facebook. I've reconnected with, not numerous, but a few old and long lost friends who really matter, and I'm a happier person for that. I'm regrowing roots. :)

The power of hand-holding, taken from the New York Times article here.

"Recently, Dr. Eells said, he and his 9-year-old daughter were caught in a downpour after her cheerleading practice. The two grabbed hands and raced off into the rain together. When they finally splashed over to the car, the damp girl turned her face to her father. “That was awesome,” she sighed."

2008-01-17T00:57:00.000+08:00

I miss him. A lot. Incredibly. Terribly. Achingly.

She misses him too and all I want to do is scoop her up and cuddle and cradle her all day, and tell her that it's all right; that she needs to eat more again, not be sad and that we all miss him too.

And that he was so happy the last one and a half months because she was there..

2008-01-17T00:50:00.000+08:00

"It's a long long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long long journey
And I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you

Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong

I know I will falter
I know I will cry
I know you'll be standing by my side
It's a long long journey
And I need to be close to you

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through

Cause it's a long long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on Calvary
Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
Cause it's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you
To you..."

-- Journey Corrinne May

You can find Journey on imeem, but you'll have to sign up/log in to listen to it.
I'm not particularly religious, but I hear the message in this song and it makes me weep...

2007-12-31T00:43:00.000+08:00

He ate because I was feeding him. He tolerated me syringing water and stuffing grass into his mouth, because I was doing it. He tried so hard because I was. And now he's gone.

Born with 3 sisters on 23 May 2003, on my sister's birthday; he was the last. He always fought the hardest.

2007-11-08T00:49:00.000+08:00

you shall above all things be glad and young.
For if you're young, whatever life you wear

it will become you; and if you are glad
whatever's living will yourself become.
Girlboys may nothing more than boygirls need:
i can entirely her only love

whose any mystery makes every man's
flesh put space on; and his mind take off time

that you should ever think, may god forbid
and (in his mercy) your true lover spare:
for that way knowledge lies, the foetal grave
called progress, and negation's dead undoom.

I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance

-- e.e. cummings

2007-10-30T00:38:00.000+08:00

Oh joy, I received this lovely little piece in my Friendster inbox today.

Good to know u in friendster. I am a single guy here, looking for girlfriend or activity friends. Would be great if my Miss Right would come by. Would be nice if she is good on bed...

I do belive I would have let it slide, ignoring it like I do the other inane messages, but I'm afraid I can't.

Sooo (eyes narrowed, forehead furrowed in concentration)... she looks good lying ON the bed?? Interesting juxtaposition too, Miss Right and Miss Good-on-Bed. My primary 3 students could write a more convincing paragraph, AND be charmingly bad at it too.

I'm an English snob.

So sue me.

On another note, I covered my very first English P1 class today. Methinks my recent grumblings have made their way to the relevant ears (yes! finally). Either that, or they just couldn't find anyone to cover the class, hence by default - me.

But, snobbish tone aside, I am grateful for the oppportunity, even if it was merely a 45min babysitting stint. Nothing fazes me anymore I realise, not even a screaming class of six six-year olds who really were sweet but noisy. At least they were charmingly enthusiastic about volunteering to help me shelve the library books. Equally exciting was our adventure in scanning the barcode while borrowing books. Unfortunately the math didn't add up - 1 book, 4 eager little kids. So in the end I made each of them grab a corner of the book and with a Ready! 3-2-1 countdown (for dramatic purposes, of course), swooped in towards the scanner and viola! 4 happy kids. Cute.

2007-10-30T00:21:00.000+08:00

Hotmail does this irritating little thing, where on occasion, people do not receive my emails, which gives me grief because I fret that people are ignoring me. I care too much what people think..

It also sucks to realise each and every time that it doesn't take much to tip me back over the edge into Unhappy-Land. It's tiring, and yet most days I'm busy at work or lazing around at home on my off days and suddenly, I wake up to the realisation that, hey! I'm happy--oh you rare and elusive creature, you actually exist!

And since I've concluded that Health and Happiness go together, I'm currently seriously working on building (back) up my health, if only for the shallow reason of wanting to look good.

2007-10-21T17:23:00.000+08:00

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go..

- Lifehouse, Blind

I adore Finetune

2007-09-25T23:11:00.000+08:00

just because i HAD to share it

by the way, The Shins and Blue October are brilliant.. I just wished they had Arcade Fire's older songs from the first album..

2007-09-11T23:59:00.000+08:00

News like this really sucks.

2007-09-10T21:59:00.000+08:00

"If you could read my mind love,
what a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie
about a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
with chains upon my feet.
You know that ghost is me
and I will never be set free
as long as I'm a ghost that you can't see.

If I could read your mind love,
what a tale your thoughts could tell.
Just like a paperback novel,
the kind the drugstore sells.
When you reach the part where the heartaches come
the hero would be me.
Heroes often fail.
And you won't read that book again
because the endings just too hard to take.

I walk away like a movie star
who gets burned in a three way script.
Enter number two, a movie queen
to play the scene of bringing all the good things out in me,
but for now love lets be real.

I never thought I could act this way
and I've got to say that I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went wrong
but the feeling's gone and I just can't get it back.

If you could read my mind love,
what a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie about a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
with chains upon my feet the story always ends.
And if you read between the lines
you'll know that I'm just trying to understand
the feeling that you left.

I never thought I could feel this way
and I got to say that I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went wrong
but the feeling's gone
and I just can't get it back."

- If You Could Read My Mind by Gordon Lightfoot

Personally, I've always felt that Cold Case pales in comparison to CSI. It always felt like an imperfect copy, the younger sister in the shadow of an elder, more brilliant sibling. The story-telling techniques were similar, especially the use of artfully chosen songs, but somehow, Cold Case always just fell shy of great. But in a span of a mere episode, it more than redeemed itself.

Honor deals with a POW coming home from the Vietnam war to crushing guilt, for having given in to the VC in order to ensure early release from the camps, to the shame of being called a hero when he felt he was nothing but a coward, and last but not least, utter rejection, from fellow POWs who despised him and felt he'd betrayed not just them but their country. When the Cold Case team interviews the wife she is bitter and old. The husband she'd loved as a young woman had returned a broken, tortured stranger and though they'd stayed together, trying desperately to recapture the past, heart-breakingly, he was murdered before they could even try. She never really recovered from that blow. The final sequence with Gordon Lightfoot's song playing in the background was particularly resonant. For the men who had risked their lives and experienced the death of idealism, to come home to cold and hostile reactions must have been devastating.

"..but the feeling's gone
and I just can't get it back.."

Perhaps I was particularly inclined towards this episode because I so happen to be reading Joe Haldeman's The Forever War, which also has its roots in the Vietnam War. The alienation the first conscripts of the war felt, when they returned home to an Earth decades older and disconcertingly unfamiliar is devastating. Young, and yet old, due to the effects of relativity and time dilation, they no longer recognise the Earth they were fighting for. Predictably most 'vetrans' re-enlisted. As the protagonist ironically described, it felt like going home. I haven't been this enthralled in a long time.

2007-09-04T22:42:00.000+08:00

Don't lie and say that it's OK.
It's alright if there's nothing more to say.
So I'm running away.
I'm leaving this place.
Yeah, I'm running away.
I'm running away.

Don't tell me, I'm the one to blame.
It's too late for you to make me stay.
No, I won't stay.
So I'm running away.
I'm leaving this place.
Yeah, I'm running away.
I'm running away.

And faster than you can follow me from this lonely place.
And farther than you can find me, I'm leaving
Yeah I'm leaving today.
And I, I'll never let you find me.
I'm leaving you behind with the past
No, I won't look back.
And I don't want to hear your reasons.
Don't want to hear you tell me why I should stay.

And try, and try to understand me
And try to understand what I say when I say I can't stay
I, I'm moving on from this place
I'm leaving and I won't quit running away.

I'm running away.
I'm leaving this place.
Yeah, I'm running away.
I'm running away.

- Running Away - Midnight Hour

Of all places, I heard this on an episode of Ghost Whisperer and fell in love with it instantly. And for those who watch Naruto, there's this Sasuke tribute video on YouTube which just fits. It makes my heart bleed.

I'm at a different stage in my life compared to my friends. Just when they're all starting to settle down, happy, content, at peace, I find myself still walking along the wind-swept, slightly lonely, quiet backroads of life, a crossroad at every junction, the horizon spreading out flat and empty before me. I don't begrudge them their happiness; I just wish I were happy again, happy in the way that's as effortless and as simple as breathing with happiness that washes over you like golden sunshine and bubbling laughter that lingers in the wind..

Where is that happy girl? Where has she gone? Come back to me, someday. I miss you.

2007-08-31T23:05:00.000+08:00

Perhaps it's because I'm jaded that I'm unable to muster the same sort of enthusiasm and eagerness the other fresh-out-of-school temps bring to their work. I alternatively envy them and pity them-they just don't know what they're getting into. But, at least, work has certainly gotten more interesting and challenging, a far far cry compared to a mere week ago, but I'm already counting down the weeks. 3 more months, just 3 months! Why doesn't time seem to fly by anymore?

I suppose I'm glad I don't hate going to work. In fact I do enjoy it in a weird, perverse way. But, perhaps it will be an utterly different story when and if I do start teaching. Perhaps I wouldn't be so sanguine then. In the meantime, marking scripts is mind-numbing (and sometimes interesting) work, and I need more stimulating books to read to and from work, either that or I'll have to develop the ability to survive on much less sleep if I so desire to have some resemblence of a life after 9.30pm workdays..

On a more positive note, I've made active plans to start exercising again! Finally... inertia really is exercise's worst enemy. I know. I'm just plain lazy.

2007-08-16T02:28:00.001+08:00

I've just realised I've yet to make full use of Blogger's image hosting facilities! I guess this has been a long time coming, but here's the gang from Beijing!

2007-08-16T02:14:00.000+08:00

I finally found it, a site that's streaming Corinne May's On the Side of Me. I confess I've never really listened to her (even if she's supposed to be one of our pride and joy), but after hearing On the Side of Me repeatedly on the radio, I've fallen in love. She's got that rich, melodic, mellow voice I adore. Plus this particular song gives me the same sort of feeling I get when I listen to my Chihiro Onitsuka album - soothing and soulful. And more than ever, I need soothing now.

Cash-strapped as I am, I might actually buy the album.

I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
on the side of me

I'm not too proud of some things
I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Blessed Charity
You're on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
but you

I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth

'Cause you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
What a mystery
You're on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go

I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you...

Yeah you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me

On the Side of Me - Corinne May

2007-07-31T04:20:00.000+08:00

I know I'm over it. I know it with heavy, solid certainty in the depths of my soul, and yet... when I read about others, about how in love they are, how love given is reciprocated, I feel hollow inside, empty, as if I'm missing something.

I had that once. And I treasured every moment, every second. Walking in Central Park on a cold, winter's night, watching families, lovers and friends skating in the rink .. And such thoughts sadden me. I should be happy for lovers in love, but I'm not. And I'm selfish. And a little sad. It just stings a little to know we didn't make it when others have. Perhaps it's the sour taste of failure that I don't like.

Or perhaps the real reason is because I loved the same way, as passionately, as encompassing, as wholly, body, mind and soul, and yet in the end, it wasn't enough.

Failed relationships are like sad, little puppy dogs you see in the store but know you can never bring home. A little wistful, heart-tugging, but something you gaze at fondly, for a while, before turning around and walking away.

2007-07-31T03:42:00.000+08:00

It's not much, but it's a start. I've tailored my resume, created an account with That's Beijing, bookmarked job and apartment options from their classifieds, emailed friends in Beijing for job/apt advice, started trawling the library for TEFL books (again!)..

I should be elated at my renewed sense of purpose, but only a part of me is. It's so much easier to sit back, relax and stay comfortable. The question (still) is: Am I brave enough?

Maybe I could room with Julia while I find my feet? It's certainly a comforting thought.

I MUST do this. I must remind myself why I went in the first place. After all, as Eileen and I agreed tonight, money is there to be spent on gathering more (and more) new experiences.

We only have one life, boys and girls...

2007-07-23T13:03:00.000+08:00

Did anyone go "Oh yeah!!!!" when Optimus Prime burst onto screen? I did, unabashedly audible, along with just about all the other kids in the audience. What a moment. Thrilling. Heart-stopping. Autobots and Decepticons, onscreen, big, mean, all shiny metal and oh god, how they transform. Heaven. And I'm 8 all over again.

So what if 3/4 of the movie was fighting and fighting and more fighting (and things getting blown up). That's precisely and exactly why I went to watch it in the first place. That and oh, the kick I knew I would get out of watching them transform.

Although I was a little hard pressed to identify bad guy from good guy during the fights (mum whispering to my dad during the fight scenes "Who's who?!"), who cares!! Comeon! It's Autobot vs Deception! You know you want it.

It was one hell of a ride, well worth the $9.50 and more, and just as one critic said "There is so much action packed into every second of "Transformers" that by the time it's over, you may be tempted to go outside and give the box office another 10 bucks."

Oh and for fans like me, a fan review just the way I like it.

2007-07-20T15:41:00.000+08:00

It actually makes sense..

A Surrendered Single recognizes that if she wants to attract the man with whom she can develop intimacy, she cannot control relationships. She cannot determine who asks her out, how he'll do it, when he'll call or e-mail, or if he'll commit to her. A Surrendered Single may have unwittingly been trying to control, manipulate, and force relationships previously, but no more. She doesn't hunt for Mr. Right - she focuses on attracting him, and so she does.

By letting a man woo her, she enjoys the pleasure of being pursued. She feels confident, feminine and dignified. Dating becomes fun again, and marriage follows.
From The Surrendered Single by Laura Doyle, published by Simon & Schuster. Copyright 2002 by Laura Doyle.

2007-06-12T18:26:00.000+08:00

Is anyone still reading this? Sorry pple, internet has been difficult to access. Anyway just a little update. The course is done, and I'm travelling down to Xi'an with a friend from the course. Stops we'll be making -- Datong (which I'm blogging from), Wutai Shan, Pingyao, maybe Kaifeng or Luoyang, then finally Xi'an.

Anyway, the important news is... I'll be back on 1st July. Though I do want to come back to Beijing to teach after a short stopover at home. Let's see what the parents say... I really should have gotten a 3mths visa.

Well darlings, I'll see you all soon anyway. Looking forward to it really. And looking forward to CLEAN, BLUE skies.. it's way too dusty and polluted in Bejing/China at the moment. Depressing really..

See you all soon.

2007-05-11T17:16:00.000+08:00

It rained again last night, making today the coldest day so far, which is a good thing really, since the weather can only get hotter.

Apartment Update: we got a cleaning lady to clean the kitchen and utilities area, though the cockroaches are STILL there (naturally! urgh). Beijing's extremely dusty, my room needs to be mopped every two days, since I leave my window open. Beijing is also terribly dry. My lips are a little chapped and thank god, I brought my heavy duty Vaseline.

And now that a week is almost over, L-day looms closer and closer. LAUNDRY!! which is really unfortunate since our washing machine floods the living room when we use it...anyway, moving on.

A typical day in Beijing:

745am: Wake up.
830am: Out of the apt
by 9am: in class

9-12pm: Lessons. Methodology, Phonology, Grammar.. etc

12-1pm: Lunch

1-2pm: Teaching Practice (TP) Preperations

2-4pm: We take turns to teach 40-60min lessons to students our instructor randomly grabs from the streets

4+ onwards: FREE & EASY, unless we have TP the next day, but I usually do my lesson plans in the evening when it's nice and quiet.

So far, I've seen Tiananmen Sq at night. I'll be heading down to the Forbidden Palace tomorrow!!! One of our classmates, a local Chinese kindly offered to bring us around, which is excellent.

I'm trying to hook up with the Panda Program organisers (those who've heard me talk about the Panda would know), because they have a Save the Great Wall of China prog too, since I'm free on weekends.

Well, that's all for now. A quick wrap up of the past week. Will try to blog more regularly!! Love you all at home.

2007-05-08T16:40:00.000+08:00

Darlings! I'm alive!! Unfortunately, internet connection isn't all that conveniently available. Will write more when I've the time. Just checking in to let everybody know I'm fine and well, and alive and living in a cockroach-infested apartment!!!

*muaks muaks*

2007-04-20T00:39:00.000+08:00

"And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again."
- Better Days Goo Goo Dolls

See the YouTube video here. Caught this song on Live From Abbey Road on TV the other night.

Music and Reading feed my soul.. what would I do without them?

2007-04-17T17:02:00.000+08:00

SOoo... got my visa, paid for my flight, changed a heap of dollars into RMB (ouch!), more or less got all the main stuff done. Looks like I'm all set. And a glance at my nifty, little countdown counter tells me I'm 17 days away from the biggest adventure of my sorely lacklustre life. So why does it all feel so unreal?

I think I'm in denial. All in the name of preventing me from freaking out, of course. What AM I doing?

2007-04-16T17:19:00.000+08:00

Because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing...

S: Easy to fall in love with
H: You are funny and adorable
U: You're a person who likes to chill, not fussed about being the centre of attention 24/7 (hmm...)
Y: Best gf/bf anyone could ever ask (i'd like to think I'm more humble than that ;)
I: You have one fine ass (errr.. what??!!)
N: You are beautiful inside and out
G: Stubborn - cannot be told (what to do, I presume. How right..)

source taken from : BLOG

2007-04-16T16:31:00.000+08:00

Added a new link on the right to PostSecret. It's alternately illuminating, depressing, amusing and sobering. Check it out.

And who knows, perhaps one day when I accumulate enough secrets I'll send one in.

2007-04-14T01:26:00.000+08:00

What is hard SF? space opera?
And interestingly, I thought I preferred the fantasy genre.

2007-04-07T00:57:00.000+08:00

There are some journeys you have to take alone. This is one of them. To see what I really am capable of, to test what I am made of, I have to do this.

But as the days pass and I meet up with friends I care for, friends I want to say goodbye to (but it's only for a while) there's a little heaviness to the soul, a little mellowness, a little melancholia (it's not forever!)... And yet there is also affirmation of love, cementing of bonds and reminders exactly why I adore my friends, how much they mean to me and the opportunity to bask in the immense joy they have brought to my life.

The me now has been shaped by the past, the me in the future will be shaped by experiences yet to come. I do this to learn, to grow, to enrich, and to live a life without regret or holding back. Certainly I will leave behind some regret and a whole lot of missing (family, friends, places, food, security...) , but there is also adventure and new experiences to look forward to.

After all, everyone is welcome to visit, anytime.

2007-04-04T15:21:00.000+08:00

Beijing here I come! Now for all the logistics--visa application, hostel accommodation, air tickets, insurance, repairing my camera, getting a working laptop, resume documents, research books to get, meeting everybody before I leave, AND preliminary homework, which would be graded if I might add. I am so grateful so many of my friends are English majors or English teachers.

Decision: to stay on after my course to look for a job? or return home first?
Answer: stay on, but the thought of not coming back is scary!

Looking at things however, I might have to forego the panda plan. Perhaps I'll do it another time, or unless depending on how things pan out over there, I might still be able to make it.

For once in my life, I am actually planning for my future. I am glad my family and friends are all being so very supportive and encouraging of this. It gives me strength.

I am excited.

2007-04-03T17:27:00.001+08:00

So I finally did it. I paid the deposit for the TEFL program in Beijing last night and am currently pending a confirmation of my reservation! If all goes well, the program starts May 7th.

Also in progress, I'm trying (hopefully) to coordinate a small group of friends to volunteer at the Woolong Reserve for pandas in Chengdu sometime in June for about two weeks. I'm currently in the process of asking for a customised program quote without accommodations as I know we can find extremely cheap hostel accommodations in Chengdu.

To anyone who happens to read this and are interested (and I mean anyone). Do contact me, ya?

2007-04-01T15:51:00.000+08:00

My first campaign as a newly minted Passport participant was on giving the bluefin tuna a fighting chance.

Species extinction really is a staggering and sobering thought. If there is something, however simple or small I can do to help, I believe I owe it to my responsibility as an aware and responsible global citizen to do it. What would you tell your children or grandchildren in the future when the polar ice caps have melted and species like the cheetah, the giant panda or the polar bear are extinct, and you actually could have done something about it?

Realistically, not all the campaigns in progress on the Passport site will succeed. But there have been successes, and whatever success however small is a step foward in the right direction. If you feel so inclined and inspired, I welcome and urge you to join me as a Passport participant towards "Work[ing] for a living planet".

An exerpt from the edited email template provided by Passport that I sent to the governments of France, Italy and Spain for the above mentioned campaign,

"I believe that your leadership and support on behalf of your government in this endeavour is essential to avoiding the collapse of the bluefin tuna as a species. The bluefin tuna has a fighting chance at survival, but the species can only do it with your help. Help them survive."

2007-03-15T16:52:00.000+08:00

I want to do something like this.

2007-03-15T15:26:00.001+08:00

I like travelling with my family. We've done it every year since I was 10 and my sister 8. And then real life and work took it's toll; no more December school holidays to look forward to. That's why I'm excited about this trip, even if it's just with my mum--it's been some time.

Travelling with my family is like travelling with an extended version of self. We share the same interests, get excited about the same things, enjoy the same types of tours--scenic, historial.. definitely not shopping. The shopping trips, beach-y relaxation holidays, day trips up to Malaysia, those short trips I leave for my sister and friends.

2007-03-15T15:25:00.001+08:00

This is a little late, but an article in today's papers about Asia's most polluted rivers mentioned that the Baiji - the Yangtze River Dolphin was declared functionally extinct in Dec'06. If I didn't automatically try to shut out that fact, I would have sat there and cried buckets.

For all our intelligence as a species, we do the most harm to our environment. You'd think we'd be smarter.

Extinct: "no longer in existence; lost or especially having died out leaving no living representatives" (according to TheFreeDictionary). Think never, ever to be seen again. Think forever and irreplaceably lost.

"Despite the resolve to find a remant few baiji that still burns in our daily wrap up meetings, the knot of realization in our bellies, minds, and spirits that the baiji is effectively gone is now near undeniable." the Baiji Blog

2007-03-15T15:23:00.001+08:00

I think I can see a little bit of my old self in me again. It's like peeking through lowered blinds--the scenery is still the same on the other side, just obscured, till now. It's been a strange feeling knowing you're you but not exactly you; much like viewing yourself from the outside.

It's been a long, tiring road, and I'd like to think I've come out on the other side scarred but stronger. I'm still me, cracks, faults and all, but hopefully, better. Things will never be the same, but when you're at the bottom, the only way you can go is up. True that I'm still somewhere on the lower rungs; True that the climb won't be an easy one, but up is up, and all that's required is one handhold and one foothold at a time, and Patience.

It still hurts some days. I still have all the letters, emails, and sms-es. I have not the courage yet to let them go. In time, one day, hopefully I will. For now, welcome back me. I've missed you.