I know I'm over it. I know it with heavy, solid certainty in the depths of my soul, and yet... when I read about others, about how in love they are, how love given is reciprocated, I feel hollow inside, empty, as if I'm missing something.

I had that once. And I treasured every moment, every second. Walking in Central Park on a cold, winter's night, watching families, lovers and friends skating in the rink .. And such thoughts sadden me. I should be happy for lovers in love, but I'm not. And I'm selfish. And a little sad. It just stings a little to know we didn't make it when others have. Perhaps it's the sour taste of failure that I don't like.

Or perhaps the real reason is because I loved the same way, as passionately, as encompassing, as wholly, body, mind and soul, and yet in the end, it wasn't enough.

Failed relationships are like sad, little puppy dogs you see in the store but know you can never bring home. A little wistful, heart-tugging, but something you gaze at fondly, for a while, before turning around and walking away.

It's not much, but it's a start. I've tailored my resume, created an account with That's Beijing, bookmarked job and apartment options from their classifieds, emailed friends in Beijing for job/apt advice, started trawling the library for TEFL books (again!)..

I should be elated at my renewed sense of purpose, but only a part of me is. It's so much easier to sit back, relax and stay comfortable. The question (still) is: Am I brave enough?

Maybe I could room with Julia while I find my feet? It's certainly a comforting thought.

I MUST do this. I must remind myself why I went in the first place. After all, as Eileen and I agreed tonight, money is there to be spent on gathering more (and more) new experiences.

We only have one life, boys and girls...

Did anyone go "Oh yeah!!!!" when Optimus Prime burst onto screen? I did, unabashedly audible, along with just about all the other kids in the audience. What a moment. Thrilling. Heart-stopping. Autobots and Decepticons, onscreen, big, mean, all shiny metal and oh god, how they transform. Heaven. And I'm 8 all over again.

So what if 3/4 of the movie was fighting and fighting and more fighting (and things getting blown up). That's precisely and exactly why I went to watch it in the first place. That and oh, the kick I knew I would get out of watching them transform.

Although I was a little hard pressed to identify bad guy from good guy during the fights (mum whispering to my dad during the fight scenes "Who's who?!"), who cares!! Comeon! It's Autobot vs Deception! You know you want it.

It was one hell of a ride, well worth the $9.50 and more, and just as one critic said "There is so much action packed into every second of "Transformers" that by the time it's over, you may be tempted to go outside and give the box office another 10 bucks."

Oh and for fans like me, a fan review just the way I like it.

It actually makes sense..

A Surrendered Single recognizes that if she wants to attract the man with whom she can develop intimacy, she cannot control relationships. She cannot determine who asks her out, how he'll do it, when he'll call or e-mail, or if he'll commit to her. A Surrendered Single may have unwittingly been trying to control, manipulate, and force relationships previously, but no more. She doesn't hunt for Mr. Right - she focuses on attracting him, and so she does.

By letting a man woo her, she enjoys the pleasure of being pursued. She feels confident, feminine and dignified. Dating becomes fun again, and marriage follows.

From The Surrendered Single by Laura Doyle, published by Simon & Schuster. Copyright 2002 by Laura Doyle.